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I work hard to help my clients, and I want my clients to work even harder. Breaking old bad patterns and establishing new and healthier behavior takes time and requires constant therapeutic support.
Helping Families find solutions
in emotionally hard times
Being a child in a family is not easy. Even supportive families cannot meet every need for their child(ren). Being a child without a supportive family feels impossible to the child(ren).
So how do we help the child(ren) feel as supported as possible?
I work with issues that focus on families and children. In most cases, those children are between birth and adulthood. I especially enjoy working with children seven and under, but children of all ages are of therapeutic interest to me.
The emotional interaction between adult and child cannot be fully separated from individual issues. Therefore I include parent meetings when working with young children. School-age children are busy adjusting to life at school, sports and friends. Teenagers focus on peers and become more private. All these normal, developmental stages can put stress on the family. In some cases, the adult child needs help in their communication with their own adult parents. In a few cases, the adult child is coping with a deceased parents decisions regarding estate issues or business transactions. All of these cases can be painful for the adult child, and often for the parents too.
Family conflict
If parents experience conflict with one another, the child is negatively affected whether or not the parents seek a divorce. In order to create a safe environment for the child (as well as for the parents), a solution to the conflict must be found. Much has been made about the effects of divorce on children. In my experience, it is not an issue of marriage or non-marriage, but an issue of unresolved conflict, that negatively affects everyone in the family. Of course, the first choice is to keep the marriage if at all possible. Change is difficult for everyone, and changing partner patterns is very work-intensive.
Whether changing patterns with a partner leads to divorce or the ability to remain in the marriage, will depend on the couple. Generally, children who grow up in a family who has a low conflict divorce, do better than children who live in a high conflict marriage. Children depend on adults to find the best solution possible for their family.
If parents focus on the outcome for the children, there is greater motivation to resolve conflicts without divorce. However, sometimes the conflict is too severe and divorce is the best solution for everyone in the family. In either case, a number of child raising issues may occur over the years (see below).
Expect that children, no matter their age, infancy through adulthood, will be affected by the parents decisions.
Birth/Adoption
The choice to add to a family or a couple and create a growing and nurturing family seems to be basic to many, but not all, couples. For those who make this choice it is a goal, birth and/or adoption poses a radical transformation of the family. Life will be changed forever by the arrival of “the new bundle of joy,” For many people this process flows easily. For others, the complex feelings that can arise are frightening, and not for the first child only. A second child can profoundly change the existing family. Many couples who coped well with one child are shocked to find that the second or third child disrupts the family patterns. Experienced parents can doubt themselves.
Babies are totally dependent on their caretakers. For some parents, this is overwhelming. This is a period of time society expects the new parents to feel totally elated and satisfied. What if the reaction is anxiety, fear, doubt? Often parents who speak of negative emotions surrounding an addition to the family are dismissed as “not doing well” or “not adjusting well.” This labeling puts an additional burden on the new parent.
Some families are experiencing job loss, death in the family, serious health diagnosis within the extended family, at the same time they are adjusting to their parental needs.
Seeking support for these feelings can forestall many issues that may arise in the future. The first years of life are a remarkable time in the life of the children/parents. Seek help if necessary, to fully enjoy this brief period of time.
Despite social, medical and psychological advances, we still live in a world in which only a biological child is considered “the natural child.” But all parents see their child as “the natural child.” Adoption, in vitro fertilization, donor sperms/eggs, surrogacy, etc. are viable ways of creating families. This increased diversity in the creation of families can lead to uncertainties on what to reveal and when to reveal it.
How does this new family deal with these issues with their own families, extended families, schools, and in other settings, in which information is requested about the child’s birth/history? What is private? What is public? What has to be shared and with whom? What resources should the child, young adult and eventually, the adult, need to respond to the questions regarding their personal beginnings in the world.
Parenting discussions
Usually parents can resolve disagreements that arise during the process of child raising. All of us come from unique families, backgrounds and experiences. These are factors we bring to child rearing. If conflicts become too great, the entire family unit is challenged.
We all want to enjoy our children and each other. How do we accomplish this during high conflict? Sometimes I meet with the entire family, in order to understand the family system and how it works. Sometimes I meet with siblings or just the adults. Understanding the conflict from the point of view of each family member, allows me to see patterns that may lead to the family feeling stuck. Children, even very young children, are capable of giving information about their role in the functioning of the family.
In sessions, the goal is to remind parents that they are seeking the same goal, the future well being of their child. Each parent must be able to assess whether or not their concept of “right” will further that goal. Partner conflict must be examined for what it is, a struggle between parents to prove who is “right.” “Rightness” is subjective and often closes off discussion. Parents are joint decision-makers in their children’s lives, whether couples or singles, they are parents. Whether they are divorced or married, living together or separately. After listening to the members of the family, it is usually possible for me to offer objective ways to look at the children’s and parent’s needs. Decisions must fit, as nearly as possible, the needs of each member of the family.
“Empty nest”
After all our love, attention, resources and energy, there comes a time when the adult child leaves home. (If they do not leave home, another kind of conflict may arise.) For most parents, single or married, this period poses critical concerns. How do we continue to nurture our adult children in a way that does not interfere with their growth and independence? How does the parent “reinvent” their own lives?
For many couples, the focus of plans, discussions and daily routines has changed forever. If the couple has been child focused, there will be a period of crisis. Many couples find they do not know how to relate to each other in ways that do not involve the children. Adult children almost always resist attempts to make them the center of the parents’ lives at this point. If parents persists in treating adult children as young children, the family often fractures.
Therefore, to keep the family intact, couples must find interests they share outside of the children. Many single parents are equally lost. Their role as parent may have been their most significant interaction with another person. The loss of this role can make them feel bereft and grief stricken.
Finding support to deal with these complex feelings may free the adult parents to participate in activities they previously denied themselves. Resolved well, most adult parents go on to lead full lives in which they can be attentive to their own needs.
The empty nester will need to explore ways that all the attention and energy they previously lavished on their children, can now be appropriately focussed on themselves.
Estates
Many sibling conflicts are reopened upon the death of a parent or both parents. To prevent these conflicts, I recommend that parents of adult children discuss the issues of money, property, the use of a power of attorney and the role of the executor before putting their decisions into a written document. These are often highly charged emotional decisions. It is difficult for a parent to speak to adult children about death, just as it is difficult for the adult child to hear the discussion of the parent’s mortality.
It might be even more difficult to hear why parents are disposing of property in the manner they have chosen. Does the disposition reflect the family’s long standing assumption about each member? Are these assumptions valid? For most adult children, sibling rivalry resurfaces.
The most difficult topic might be why one adult child has been chosen to have the roles of both the power of attorney and the executor, or why these roles have been separated. If there is a trust, who will serve as trustee, why?
These meetings give the adult children and their parents a chance to talk together and resolve conflicts that have been long simmering. While difficult, it is far better to handle these discussions face-to-face rather than having these conflicts fracture families once the parents are deceased and can no longer explain their love and support for their children.
Family business transitions
Before a planned transition is put in motion, it would be wise to hold a series of family meetings to discuss the need for change, who will be involved and who will be affected. Every one of these points can be emotionally charged for family members. Conflicts between generations will often surface. Favoritism, who has contributed what, disappointments and expectations will all surface.
The goal must always be to resolve these issues in ways that will keep the family functioning well.
Each generation has its own set of needs and expectations of other generations. Individuals have often been defined by their work in the business. These generational and individual roles in the business will sometimes be in conflict with emotional needs of siblings and parents.
An open discussion of these conflicts and issues can help a closely held business remain strong and productive through a transition of ownership, ensuring that the next generation will make the best decisions possible, to the benefit of all.
Grief
All through life, losses occur. Therefore grief is a process that is unavoidable in our lives. Normal loss involves stages that reflect our lives. We can lose our parents when we are very young or not until we are very mature adults. We can lose babies, children, siblings, friends, pets, to name a few. Or more abstract, but equally painful, things like health, marriage, jobs, homes, a sense of purpose.
Sometimes it is valuable to talk to a person outside the family who is trained to understand how such a loss affects every sphere of your life. If you are experiencing any devastating loss, do not suffer alone! Please contact us or another support person or group. Even short term support will help ease your burden of loss.
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